A resource for your circle
The clearness
committee.
A woman brings a question she is stuck on. The circle may only ask her questions. Nobody advises, nobody tells their own story, nobody says «that happened to me too».
It is the one tool in the circle that makes advising impossible by design. It does not ask for restraint: it removes the option. That is why it works even in the first months, when the advice reflex still gets out.
She answers whatever she wants. At the end, if she asks for it, the group tells her what it heard.
How it works
- 01She tells it · 5 minutes
Her question and what she has already tried. No interruptions.
- 02The circle asks · 30 minutes
Honest, open questions only. She answers what she wants. No debate and no side conversations.
- 03What we heard · 5 minutes
If she asks for it: each woman says in one sentence what she heard. Not what she would do.
- 04Close · 5 minutes
She says what she takes with her. Nobody asks her what she is going to do.
What an honest question is, and what it is not
It is
- «What weighs on you most about this?»
- «When did it start feeling like this?»
- «What would happen if you did nothing?»
- «Is there something you are not letting yourself say?»
- «What would you like to happen?»
It is not
- «Have you thought about talking to him?» — advice with a question mark
- «Don't you think you should…?» — same
- «Why don't you just leave?» — same
- «Did you know that…?» — that is information, not a question
- «Something like that happened to me, shall I tell you?» — it is her turn, not yours
The fastest test: if you already know what you want her to answer, it is not an honest question.
The three rules
Questions only
Not one statement. Not one suggestion. Not one of your own experiences, however relevant.
She is in charge
She answers what she wants and how she wants. Silence is an answer too.
No conclusion
The circle does not reach agreement about what she should do. It is not a committee that decides: it is a mirror that asks.
Where it comes from
It is a practice of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), documented since the seventeenth century, where it is called a clearness committee and is summed up in one line: only honest, open questions, no advice and no fixing. Outside that world it was carried by Parker J. Palmer, whose formulation — no advice, no fixing, no saving — is close to the four failures MQHD names. MQHD adapted the timings and the close to its own session.